Fibromyalgia – Sunshine Lane

De Ja Vu’ All Over Again

I feel very de ja vu’ this morning. I woke up briefly before Alan went to work and I guess I had coffee and let Missy (our cat) outside, then went back to bed and didn’t wake up until 9:30! As I was making coffee I was trying to remember why it felt like I’d already done this before today. I’ll tell you a secret about having fibromyalgia. Most people with fibromyalgia have terrible problems with insomnia. Eventually you can’t handle it so you get medications to help you sleep. I don’t take mine every single night because it makes me feel so sluggish and stupid in the mornings. However, when I do take it, man! It does a number on me. I feel like I’ve lost half the day already because of usually waking up so early.

I’ve got a LOT to do because….my kids are coming on Thursday!!! I can hardly wait and am so excited it’s unreal. I’ve been deep-cleaning the house before they come because, well, because I’m neurotic I guess. I want everything to be perfect for all of them, but especially clean for Milo, my grandbaby! He’s my sweetie pie.

Hope everyone has a great day!

Elaine

The Pain Problem

I have fibromyalgia. I have been doing really well lately so far as pain goes. Even on my trip to Europe, I felt pretty good most of the time. Tired and a little achy in the evenings, but we scheduled in days of rest. This was very wise.

Since we have returned my sleep schedule has been all messed up. I tend to wake up in the middle of the night. I’m usually not hurting, but just can’t sleep.

Out of the blue last evening I started hurting. The all over the body, just shoot me now, kind of pain. The pain that no matter what you do or what position you get into, nothing helps. EVERYTHING HURTS. When my pain gets like this I swear even my eyelashes hurt. It’s that burning, pervasive, what-the-hell kind of pain. I always describe it as feeling like having a bad case of flu after you’ve run a marathon. You know, where you feel feverish (I’m not), your muscles are on fire, your joints hurt, your skin tingles and prickles and you just want to lay down flat on the floor, spread eagle and die kind of pain. I’m not in this kind of pain nearly as often as I used to be, but, dear, kind, merciful God, please remove it from me now!

I hate the pain scale question that nurses and doctors always ask. You know the one: “On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest, what is your pain level today?” Usually it’s between 5 and 7, but I don’t even register that pain any longer. I’ve been inured to it. Get it above a 7, though and wow! Turn up the dial on that and it’s like 10 isn’t high enough to describe it. I personally think the scale should be 1-20. Tonight I would be a 20.

Ok, now, I’ve whined long enough. I know this too shall pass because it always does. I’ve taken my “only in case of real pain” medication. I’ll drink coffee and read something excruciatingly boring and the next thing you know, I’ll be asleep on the couch. When I wake up, most of the pain will be gone. The birds will be singing, the sun will bright and I’ll forget what this pain feels like. I’ll think, “Oh, good grief! There’s nothing wrong with me! Why was I making such a fuss last night?” and I’ll forget what I was feeling until the next time.

I read a blog post on Momastery tonight that made a lot of sense. It was referring to deep depression, but whether one’s pain is mental/emotional or physical, pain is pain. She recommended that when one is down and hurting, write a note to yourself so when you do go to the doctor two days later and you’re “fine,” you can show them the note of how you felt when you weren’t fine. Hence this self-involved blog post. I’m writing down my notes of how I feel when I’m not fine. I will take it with me when I go to the doctor’s office.

I’m not an artist, but in this I’m trying to represent artistically, how fibromyalgia pain feels.

I feel better already! Confession truly is good for what ails you. God is good, all the time, and is bigger than any kind of pain we might bear. He won’t let us be tested beyond our abilities to get through things. I know that for a fact. Sometimes I just wish He didn’t think I could bear so much! LOL!

Peace and love,

Elaine

Haiku Mood|NaPoWriMo Day 16

Fibromyalgia Fun and Pain, A Haiku

Yesterday was fun.
Physical therapy fun.
This morning, great pain.

Colorado Spring, A Haiku

*This is me and Daddy in the Spring of my life. I was 8 months old. He was 48 years old.*

Sun was shining bright.
Flowers and trees bloom.
Now, wind blows in cold and snow.

Family Tree Changing, A Haiku

Old limbs fell in wind.
We are old limbs now.
Are we strong enough to love?

Grief Brings Wisdom, A Haiku

Elders teach us life.
While young, we won’t hear.
Grief brings wise enlightenment.

Pleasure of Love, A Haiku

Lips touch, passion born.
Love comes, pleasure blooms.
Age gives us warm simple love.

This is Milo, my first grandchild, who is about 8 weeks old in this picture. I’m 53. I so look forward to watching this little guy grow up and see what his generation will be like!

I awoke very early this morning (3:00 AM) in significant physical pain and with some grief as well. Mother’s last sibling died over the weekend so the “older” generation of my family are all gone now and it dawned on me that now I am in a member of the new “older” generation. This generated lots of thoughts and feelings regarding the seasons, both in nature and in human maturity. I feel I’m in my Autumn season. It’s a shocking revelation. Anyway, I was in the mood to write simple, brief haikus about all this. I love haikus. They pare my many words down to what I really want to say. Peace and love to all of you today, Elaine

Catching Up With Myself

(I started writing this on March 12.)
One thing that many people don’t know or understand about fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue syndrome is that often the people diagnosed with the syndrome appear to have normal, even very high activity levels. From the outside, everything seems status quo, even to the person who has fibromyalgia. Often, I’ll find myself thinking, “Oh good grief! There is nothing wrong with me that a good swift kick in the pants won’t take straighten out! I can do anything I set my mind to do.”

This week I have been in my hometown and area meeting my new grandson, little, sweet adorable Milo (no, I don’t care for this baby at all). I’ve also been spending time with Milo’s parents, other grandparents, family, and dear friends. The weather has been beautiful, the drives across my beloved plains have been inspirational, and overall life has truly been beautiful. I mean, how could you not be happy and energetic with moments like this?

Or this?

Then comes Thursday afternoon and suddenly the bottom drops out. Your left big toe starts hurting like it is on fire. Your elbows get hot. You hips decide they want to feel like you’ve been practicing for the grand finals of Rumba dancing, and you realize you are sinking fast. You know you can make it to the next place you’re going (my sister Judy’s house), but you’re not very sure you’ll be coherent when you get there. The blessing of having a sister like Judy is she rarely thinks you’re coherent anyway so she doesn’t care or particularly notice that you acting “weirder” than normal. I tried to set up a printer for her, but since she doesn’t have wifi, it didn’t work.

(Wrote this today, Sunday, March 22)
Suddenly, I knew I had hit my limit. I told her I had to go, gave rather incoherent goodbyes, hugged her and her sweet fellow Palmer fumbling hugs, and drove away to my friends’ house where I was staying. Buddy and I managed to stumble to the bed, where I started writing this post, but somehow I fell flat asleep (for four hours) in the middle. So, now I’m completing this post a week and some days later. I ended up getting quite ill with a sinus infection and exhaustion. My drive back to Colorado Springs was gruesome to say the least. Every cell in my body hurt. At every town I wondered if I should stop and stay the night. I kept pressing onward, however, one town at a time. I finally made it home and was never so glad in my life to sit in my green recliner and just…be. I stayed there practically all week, taking antibiotics and regaining my strength and obeying my body’s commands on how best to take care of myself. That’s the thing with fibromyalgia. You have to listen to your body and respond accordingly. If you do that, you’ll be ok. If you don’t, and you push too hard, your body says, “Nope, you’re done for a while kid. You’re going to sleep now.” I have to admit, my body is smarter than I am sometimes. 😉 You know, though, given the same chance, I’d do it all over again just to be with my grandson. That grandmotherly love kicks in and is completely irresistible. Holding my baby grandson is worth any pain or exhaustion.